A couple weeks ago, an old friend of mine snapped on me (long story) and told me to “Go on pretending to be someone you’re not.”
I thought that was ugly. Of course, there are all the obvious arguments, like I haven’t seen him in 12 years, and I was still drinking (and blacking out) intensely when he last saw me, but that’s not even what bothered me about his comment.
The thing that got to me was this: how exactly am I supposed to CHANGE and GROW into a better person without first starting to ACT like the person I want to become? It took me a long time for this idea to click for me….39 years to be exact. I always believed that I was a certain way because that’s the way I had always been. But that’s not true. That’s just the STORY I was telling myself.
Last fall, I joined an online community that really emphasizes personal growth, both physical and mental; immersing myself in the ideas of this community has really changed my thinking.
I don’t want to be the rage-filled, negative Nancy that I’ve been for most of my life. As anyone who has followed me online for more than a few years knows, my posts were anything but sunny a couple years ago. So I’m trying to project positivity now in hopes that my life will change. I have a daughter now. I want to be a good role model for her, not the angry asshole I’ve always been.
So this is why I guess it appears that I’m “pretending to be someone I’m not.” Because I’m in the process of becoming that person. I’m trying a send out positive vibrations rather than negativity in hopes it will come back to me and heal my f-ed up life.
I saw this quote somewhere on the internets the other day. It really resonated with me, as I’m nearing my 40th birthday with no career to speak of. Maybe it gave me hope. It definitely motivated me. Because it never is too late. I’ll never be as young as I am today so why give up hope? In ten years from now, I’ll be glad I didn’t.
When faced with a choice between all or nothing, I will nearly always choose all. High risk may be scary but in the end it means high payoff and creates a life of passion, adventure and intensity. It is not for everyone but it is the only thing that makes sense to me and the only way I ever want to live.
It seems that my purpose in life is simply determining my purpose in life. At least that’s what it feels like lately.
Could it be my age? I am about to turn 40 (in less than 3 months), and I feel like I’m entering some sort of midlife crisis. It could be because I just became a mother for the first time in 2016. Maybe it stems from leaving my baby’s father in Hawai’i to move back home to Colorado with the baby. Or maybe it has something to do with the untouched master’s degree sitting in my closet (Literally, my degree is in the hall closet and my thesis is in my bedroom closet.)
Then I remember: I’ve always been this way. A few weeks ago, my mother handed me a stack of papers she had found in the basement when she sold her house several years back. It was a bunch of writing I had done in high school about, you guessed it, the meaning of life. My life in particular.
I thought I’d found my calling when I spent $80k on two degrees in the botanical and evolutionary sciences. I thought I was going to get a job working in the field, researching arcane facets of biology until the day I died. Well, it didn’t work out that way. I got out of grad school and found myself getting a job serving in a restaurant because it was the only way to survive. Botany jobs were few and far between and most didn’t pay enough to feed myself in Honolulu…. or anywhere else for that matter.
So here I am, about to turn 40, racking my brain and my heart and god and the universe for some direction, please. I’ve tried doing worksheets, making vision boards, and listening to personal development audiobooks every time I get in my car, but I still am unsure. So I’m just going to go with it, and try to start my own little online fit club for the over 35 mama demographic. Worst case scenario, I just end up getting really in shape all by my damn self. Best case… I get fit with like 3 billion older mamas following in my footsteps.
I haven’t laid out all the plans yet but my brilliantly talented sister is going to make the meal plans, and I am going to create the e-course / e-book / book, and monthly / weekly / annually / whatever fitness challenges. There will also be a blog. This blog. Maybe some recipes. In any case, I’m motivated AF right now so if you’re interested, hit me up and we’ll talk.